posted on my old blog, june 12, 2010
"You neglect me, and then get mad that I'm right where you left me, just as you left me? Of course I'm still dirty, water-logged noodles cemented on the bottom, a slimy cheese sauce encircling my inside. That's what happens when you postpone washing supper dishes so you can write--because baby's in bed and husband and son are off to the races. And that's what happens when you postpone washing me again the next morning because you're hurriedly washing diapers you didn't wash last night when you were writing... And now you're dangerously close to having a naked baby. And yes, you find me still here, dirty at 5 PM when you want to make dinner, because that's what happens you don't wash dishes STILL after lunch and the kids are napping and you just "have" to continue writing that piece--get it down in hard black fonts on the computer screen, because you've been writing it all day in your head, no, since last night in fact, when you lay in bed revising from memory, line by line. So yes, I'm you're favorite cooking pot, covered in stubborn cheese sauce, because you have a hankering to write..."
I wrote that as my response to the writing exercise at my last writer's group meeting. It is hard to juggle writing with being a mom and a housewife. For me it's a constant tug of war--I have the desire to write all day, every day and such a drive to do it. I ENJOY writing immensely. It makes me feel alive, purposeful and that I'm contributing to humanity beyond the walls of my house. I have twenty pieces of writing (articles) in various states of revision and many more ideas I haven't the time to pursue. I'm at the peak of my life as far as inspiration goes.
My frustration level is high because there's never enough time. Some days I finally get the coveted time at the computer and as soon as i open the file to write what's been pouring thu my mind all day--a kid wakes from the nap mere miutes after falling asleep and I never get back. Some weeks, that will recur for days--every opportunity I think I'll get to write disappears like water falling through fingers. There are days too though when both kids will sleep for 2 hours or more. But sometimes I hardly get to enjoy it-- my body is so conditioned to the fact that this-could-end-any-minute that I function on adrenaline, like i'm on a newspaper staff and deadline is the moment the boss walks through the door--which could be nay minute! I type and click at a frenzied pace, my foot anxiously bouncing--all nerves alert to any noise from the kids' rooms that could signal my time is up. When I hear a cough, a whimper or even a crinkling of the mattress ( my computer is just outside their doors), my heart plummets then races, heat surging through my chest. Some days like that make me think how unhealthy it is for me to write like that at all. Enjoyment isn't the word I'd use. But that isn't always the case either. When the kids have slept regularly for a while, I can calm down and just write more leisurely.
I think I get most anxious like that when I haven't had any guaranteed time lately and the days of disappointment have zipped by like falling dominoes. I'm blessed, most weeks, with a couple hours of guaranteed time--this comes in the form of a family member being with my kids for an afternoon or evening so that I can leave the house with my laptop. That time is a gift I can't adequately describe. I just had 3 weeks without it. Though 2-3 hours a week seems small, the absence of it nearly ground my writing to a halt. Without focused, uninterrupted time, I couldn't embark on anything new. I could manage piece-meal revision, but that was it.
After 3 weeks without writing time, when I finally got it this week, my mind so full of so many ideas- I sat and fidgeted for the first hour, unable to focus on just one thing! I had so many irons on the fire that i was desperate to attend to.
Then there's the angle that there are real children involved here. I'm learning to create boundaries and they're ever changing. Right now i'm allowing myself to write only during naptime. The exception, or bonus time, comes when one kid wakes earlier than normal in the AM; then i'll do networking, editing and marketing stuff on the computer then. But once they're both up, I have to make myself refuse to even open a file until after lunch. Trying to sneak writing in otherwise just led to more frustration--it wasn't worth it or good--for me or my kids!
When I started this, I thought I'd write at night too--as I am now, but that's not worked except for when the husband and one son are away. Staying up to write , though it's a better guaranteed time than naptime, without interruption, and produces some of my best work, was negative because I was becoming sleep-deprived! I can easily not notice 3 hours passing because I'm so involved in writing. And then I can't fall asleep for a while because my mind is racing. My body can't handle that when it also has to get up and respond to kids 2-6 times in the we hours of the morning. So now I can allow myself night writing only once a week.
It's hard to write as a SAHM--it's sometimes like writing under the gun--most of the time I get is so pressured, ephemeral and so vulnerable to instantaneous destruction that I'm learning the hard but necessary skill of letting go. This week I'm just trying to say it's OK I didn't get to write today...the ideas ad stories will still be there. Even if I don't get them done and sent out as soon as I wanted, there's still time. (Which is also why I don't write about time-sensative news!) I tell myself to make notes for myself so ideas aren't lost--and then just let it go and enjoy my kids and all their needs and ideosyncracies. Because they're the biggest stories I'll ever co-author.
But it is hard to be in the moment. I've spent the last few non-writing years trying to be present and enjoy the moment--and returning to writing destroyed that! I feel, most of the time, divided--part of my brain is writing all the time while the other part tries to live life. So it is a real spiritual discipline to deny the writing drive sometimes for my own well-being and my family's. This is just my process so far trying to juggle things.
Some articles took insufferably long to produce --weeks longer than I anticipated, because of the SAHM reality. One about how to manage children's annoying habits in the classroom, which I eventually sent to a magazine, took forever. As well as these which are published online:
"Your Body is Electric--How Electromagnetic Fields From Cell Phones and Wireless Devices Interact with Your Body's Nervous System"
"The Cell Phone/Cigarette Analogy"
"Should Nutritional Supplements Be Regulated Just As Drugs Are?"
"You neglect me, and then get mad that I'm right where you left me, just as you left me? Of course I'm still dirty, water-logged noodles cemented on the bottom, a slimy cheese sauce encircling my inside. That's what happens when you postpone washing supper dishes so you can write--because baby's in bed and husband and son are off to the races. And that's what happens when you postpone washing me again the next morning because you're hurriedly washing diapers you didn't wash last night when you were writing... And now you're dangerously close to having a naked baby. And yes, you find me still here, dirty at 5 PM when you want to make dinner, because that's what happens you don't wash dishes STILL after lunch and the kids are napping and you just "have" to continue writing that piece--get it down in hard black fonts on the computer screen, because you've been writing it all day in your head, no, since last night in fact, when you lay in bed revising from memory, line by line. So yes, I'm you're favorite cooking pot, covered in stubborn cheese sauce, because you have a hankering to write..."
I wrote that as my response to the writing exercise at my last writer's group meeting. It is hard to juggle writing with being a mom and a housewife. For me it's a constant tug of war--I have the desire to write all day, every day and such a drive to do it. I ENJOY writing immensely. It makes me feel alive, purposeful and that I'm contributing to humanity beyond the walls of my house. I have twenty pieces of writing (articles) in various states of revision and many more ideas I haven't the time to pursue. I'm at the peak of my life as far as inspiration goes.
My frustration level is high because there's never enough time. Some days I finally get the coveted time at the computer and as soon as i open the file to write what's been pouring thu my mind all day--a kid wakes from the nap mere miutes after falling asleep and I never get back. Some weeks, that will recur for days--every opportunity I think I'll get to write disappears like water falling through fingers. There are days too though when both kids will sleep for 2 hours or more. But sometimes I hardly get to enjoy it-- my body is so conditioned to the fact that this-could-end-any-minute that I function on adrenaline, like i'm on a newspaper staff and deadline is the moment the boss walks through the door--which could be nay minute! I type and click at a frenzied pace, my foot anxiously bouncing--all nerves alert to any noise from the kids' rooms that could signal my time is up. When I hear a cough, a whimper or even a crinkling of the mattress ( my computer is just outside their doors), my heart plummets then races, heat surging through my chest. Some days like that make me think how unhealthy it is for me to write like that at all. Enjoyment isn't the word I'd use. But that isn't always the case either. When the kids have slept regularly for a while, I can calm down and just write more leisurely.
I think I get most anxious like that when I haven't had any guaranteed time lately and the days of disappointment have zipped by like falling dominoes. I'm blessed, most weeks, with a couple hours of guaranteed time--this comes in the form of a family member being with my kids for an afternoon or evening so that I can leave the house with my laptop. That time is a gift I can't adequately describe. I just had 3 weeks without it. Though 2-3 hours a week seems small, the absence of it nearly ground my writing to a halt. Without focused, uninterrupted time, I couldn't embark on anything new. I could manage piece-meal revision, but that was it.
After 3 weeks without writing time, when I finally got it this week, my mind so full of so many ideas- I sat and fidgeted for the first hour, unable to focus on just one thing! I had so many irons on the fire that i was desperate to attend to.
Then there's the angle that there are real children involved here. I'm learning to create boundaries and they're ever changing. Right now i'm allowing myself to write only during naptime. The exception, or bonus time, comes when one kid wakes earlier than normal in the AM; then i'll do networking, editing and marketing stuff on the computer then. But once they're both up, I have to make myself refuse to even open a file until after lunch. Trying to sneak writing in otherwise just led to more frustration--it wasn't worth it or good--for me or my kids!
When I started this, I thought I'd write at night too--as I am now, but that's not worked except for when the husband and one son are away. Staying up to write , though it's a better guaranteed time than naptime, without interruption, and produces some of my best work, was negative because I was becoming sleep-deprived! I can easily not notice 3 hours passing because I'm so involved in writing. And then I can't fall asleep for a while because my mind is racing. My body can't handle that when it also has to get up and respond to kids 2-6 times in the we hours of the morning. So now I can allow myself night writing only once a week.
It's hard to write as a SAHM--it's sometimes like writing under the gun--most of the time I get is so pressured, ephemeral and so vulnerable to instantaneous destruction that I'm learning the hard but necessary skill of letting go. This week I'm just trying to say it's OK I didn't get to write today...the ideas ad stories will still be there. Even if I don't get them done and sent out as soon as I wanted, there's still time. (Which is also why I don't write about time-sensative news!) I tell myself to make notes for myself so ideas aren't lost--and then just let it go and enjoy my kids and all their needs and ideosyncracies. Because they're the biggest stories I'll ever co-author.
But it is hard to be in the moment. I've spent the last few non-writing years trying to be present and enjoy the moment--and returning to writing destroyed that! I feel, most of the time, divided--part of my brain is writing all the time while the other part tries to live life. So it is a real spiritual discipline to deny the writing drive sometimes for my own well-being and my family's. This is just my process so far trying to juggle things.
Some articles took insufferably long to produce --weeks longer than I anticipated, because of the SAHM reality. One about how to manage children's annoying habits in the classroom, which I eventually sent to a magazine, took forever. As well as these which are published online:
"Your Body is Electric--How Electromagnetic Fields From Cell Phones and Wireless Devices Interact with Your Body's Nervous System"
"The Cell Phone/Cigarette Analogy"
"Should Nutritional Supplements Be Regulated Just As Drugs Are?"
I, too, wondered if working late at night would finally allow me some peace. I could write, sew, plan menus, etc... during those late hours of the day, hoping to catch up, but I'd have a feeling the lack of sleep would get to me.
ReplyDeleteYet you wrote that your brain keeps you up afterwards from all the writing/thinking -- so that answers my question.
When do moms really get anything done for them?